Jackass Politics

Politicians have a bad reputation. A reputation for flattery, deceit, laziness and corruption. And a lot of the time, they deserve that reputation. And sometimes, I even think that a monkey might well be better suited for the job.

But a donkey? Now that, I had not thought of.



But this is exactly what has happened in Ecuador, where a donkey was refused entry to register himself for the mayorship of the city of Guayaquil. Officials said that the attempts to get the donkey into the race to be mayor was a mockery of the political proceedings, and detracted attention from the other participants.

I think it's a great idea. If he's even half as charismatic as this guy, then he has my vote.

Elephant Antics

I have a habit of dismissing most tales I hear on the news of drunken disorderly behaviour, preferring to think of it as just another one of those things. Or fun. One of the two.

But when an animal much larger than me becomes likewise intoxicating, I think pretty much anyone would avoid it.

And when the animal is more than ten times the size of most sumo wrestlers, you should probably just run, preferably screaming and crying in terror as you do.

This is the fate that befell the village of Dumurkota in India when a herd of elephants somehow (no one quite knows how) managed to drink more than 500 litres of moonshine alcohol (a brew called mahua locally), and promptly went on a rampage through the town, destroying three houses, a shop, and ruining acres of crops in a frantic search for more booze.

Police noted that the animals became more aggressive after their drinking session. Who would have thought it.

I'm more worried about how exactly they got hold of the alcohol. Are their giant open topped vats of moonshine in India's rural villages? If so surely there would be more universities about.

Either way they seem to be having fun.

They see me rollin'

We have all heard of joyriding, and most of us will have seen the burning, charred wreck of a vehicle left behind after drunken revellers have departed to continue their shallow, pointless existence. 

But I for one have not heard of someone joyriding an animal. 

Now, I should quickly note that there is no sexual implications to this particular story, but one 53 year old woman, Ana Gloria Garcia of Florida, indulged herself by joyriding a manatee. 

Yes, a manatee.

This would all no doubt have been fun and games if pictures had not emerged of Mz Garcia in the act, so to speak, apparently contravening state law not to "annoy, molest, harass or disturb" the animals.

She quickly turned herself in for justice to be done upon her, claiming to have been unaware of the law given her recent move to the area. 

Leaving one manatee deeply, deeply scarred by his/her emotional ordeal.

You can read the full story here.

Alternative Medicine

It has come to my attention that there was an election in the U.S recently. Indeed, it was hardly possible to remain oblivious (as I tried) of the aggressive publicity and widespread hysterical gibberish that has been issuing from across the Atlantic for the past several weeks. 

Such was the level of coverage, much of which apparently nonsensical ramblings in an attempt to fill air time, that it was far from clear who would win. Or even who was more likely to win. Obama was most likely quaking in his presidential boots as he felt the breath of a homophobic bigot down his neck. 

So I am sure that it would have been of great comfort to him that one man, a witch doctor from Kenya by the name of John Dimo, had already called the result of the election some days before it actually took place.

The man, who lives in the village where Obama's father is buried and claims to be 105, used a number of stones and artefacts to predict a landslide victory for the incumbent politician. 

So don't worry, Mr Obama, there was no need at all for concern. They can even cure baldness, too.

What is wrong with these stairs?

Drunk people are funny.

This is a simple truth, but one that is undeniable. There are very few things funnier than the bumbling mishaps of a man or woman who has partaken too much of the demon drink. Normally, blatant public displays of such drunkenness are limited to the downtrodden figure in the frayed jeans, greatly needing a shave and generally looking worse for wear.

Like this guy.

Or maybe like all of these guys.

Which is why I sit up and take notice when a smartly dressed business-type starts to struggle with his coordination.

The man in question, as yet unidentified and described only as a "drunk Japanese businessman", was filmed by commuter Sam Napper, 27, as he failed rather spectacularly to descend an escalator. Probably because it was coming upwards towards him.

At least someone tried to help out, even if the inebriated suit was not in the mood for such charity, quite insistent as he was to continue his hopeless endeavour.

A video of the rather ridiculous scene can be found here.

Football Mania

Football manager is a game that I personally have sunk hour after hour of my time into. With no regret I might add. It is far too easy to become completely enveloped in the virtual world of the daily running of your own football club.

And, like most people, I wrote off these hours as time that I would not get back, that I had got little from other than amusing myself during downtime.

But one man, a 21 year old named Vugar Guloglan oglu Huseynzade, has gone one step further. He has used his experience in the game to land himself an actual managerial position at his local club. This young man from Azerbaijan, with no other previous experience other than his prowess in the game, has been named manager of Baku after their previous manager left the position. 

Now, you say, he must have been the only applicant? Willing to work for free? The son of the oil-rich owner?

Nope. Not even close. He was actually chosen ahead of Marseille and France legend Jean-Pierre Papin, whose previous managerial experience includes several teams in his homeland of France.

So, as it turns out, spending endless hours hunched over a computer screen or with a controller clutched in your hands really can make you future (I told you mum). 

Devolution

Now, there is much discontent and even a great deal of religious hysteria in some parts of the world concerning the writings of one Charles Darwin. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, religious nut jobs the world over have lived and died to claim that a magician in the sky is the sole reason for our existence. There seems to be something particularly distasteful for inbred rednecks about being related to monkeys, rather than their own sister/mother.

But after millions of years of us evolving from our hairy, dextrously challenged cousins, one Japanese man has decided that our evolutionary progress if overrated.

Kenichi Ito, 30, has become the fastest man on all fours, "running" the 100m in 17.47 seconds.

Mr Ito has trained every day for nine years to achieve the new record, and he has claimed that one day, he is "certain that all sprinters will be running on all fours".

And now he has set his sights on Usain Bolt's 100m record.

Ito is an ambitious man. Even if he does want to be a monkey.

Elephant Style

There has been a lot of talk in the last few years about the emerging economic powers of the Orient, with the new Eastern superpowers growing exponentially and seemingly unstoppably.

This will, at some stage effect all of us, from the manufacturer of our favourite plastic cup to the tiny micro conductors in our mobile phones.

What I for one did not expect was for it to make elephants start speaking Korean.

But this is exactly what Koshik, and elephant living in a zoo in South Korea, appears to have begun doing. 

Zookeepers and scientists alike have been astounded by the animal, who has been able to imitate a few Korean words by putting his trunk inside his mouth. The words he has managed so far are: "hello", "no", "sit down", "lie down" and "good".

Not exactly poetry, but it is a start. And a worrying one at that. I hope the next step isn't a animal gangnam-style flash mobs.