Hurricane Sandy

The big news of the last couple of days has been the encroaching chaos of Hurricane Sandy as it approaches the great cities of The United States' Eastern seaboard.

Our cousins from across the water have a long history of exaggerated hysteria; a recall a very similar set of circumstances last year when I myself was visiting New York. Citizens were told to batten down the hatches as an approaching storm threatened to apparently devastate the city. Thousands were evacuated. For those that remained, mass terror raged for several hours as every good American panic bought everything in sight, and sat down in front of their television to watch live HD pictures of the storm as it gained pace, from a distance of course.

In the end, all they had to withstand was a a day or so of heavy rain and a wind amounting to little more than a light breeze.

Of course, this storm is slightly worse than that case. The subways have already been flooded, and large chunks of the New York are without power for the foreseeable future after the flooding short-circuited several of the city's power relays (with an appropriately dramatic explosion, of course).

Still, the typical hysteria has swept across the East Coast for the last few days, and it is always refreshing to see some people maintaining their sanity and trying at least to continue on with their lives.

Which is exactly what these joggers in Manhattan have been doing. Despite the closure of Central Park and most of their other frequent routes, they have braved the slightly grey skies to continue their exercise regimes.

The police, rather than enforcing these closures, to their credit, seem simply amused by the efforts of the runners as they all wait for the hurricane to spin on into the concrete jungle.

Made in Chelsea

Now, I have tolerated the "Made in Chelsea" phenomenon until recently, simply because it had quite literally no effect on my life.

However, I was fortunate enough to view an episode of the much vaunted "reality" TV show yesterday, and I still have very little idea as to exactly why it is so popular. As far as I can tell, the lives of the wealthy heirs and heiress' on display are, quite simply, just not that interesting. The apparent drama of the show is based on generic, everyday occurrences that would not be out of place in the most reclusive person's life, dressed up in the glamourous facade of wealth and beauty.

In fact, so little of actual interest happens that the producers of the show are forced to fill in the air time with a great deal of establishing shots of expensive cars and immaculately dressed people set to a generic collection of music, and, more importantly, infamously awkward silences. 

Or awkward laughter.

Shoehorning "real" people into loosely constructed scenes has had the obvious effect that they struggle to actually communicate what is asked of them with any level of coherency, a problem not exactly helped by the general level of stupidity on display. Which, I might add, is similar to that of a handicapped toadstool.

As a shining example of these qualities, Spencer Matthews is without equal. The millionaire heir/playboy (in his own words) has a long list of one liners at his disposal, each more inventive and irresistible as the last. My personal favourite (probably because it is the only one I have actually witnessed), came when he stepped from a gleaming Ferrari in St Tropez to dazzle the questioning valet by saying: "Matthews. Spencer Matthews."

I wonder if we ignore him he'll go away.

But, while some of my contemporaries have used the show as an example of the dimwitted incompetency of our nation's more affluent citizens, I have always been quick to point out that all levels of society have their fair share of cretins. Need I mention "The Only Way is Essex", "Cop Squad" or "Jeremy Kyle" as examples.

All of that aside, "Made in Chelsea" is quite appallingly dull, and does not really deserve its time on our televisions. If I was given that hour every week, I might be able to do something useful. Get rid of Joey Essex. Get Lady Gaga some actual clothes. Start a cult.

Who knows. 

I can fly, mum, honest.

Elaborate hoax? Or can sharks fly?

When a shadow began plummeting towards golfers in California, they may be forgiven for suspecting a bird was the cause. Thus, when a two foot long leopard shark landed in the tee box, they were rather bemused.

The shark, which had puncture marks all over its body, was subsequently placed into a bucket of water and transported back to the sea, where it was released back into its natural habitat. Water. Not air.



Onlookers were astounded that the shark had not only survived the fall, but that it swam off quite happily when placed back into the ocean.

Early speculations as to how the shark came to be falling towards the golf course suggested that it had perhaps been carried from the nearby coastline by a predatory bird, perhaps an osprey or a falcon. Since then, however, others have considered the possibility that it was part of an elaborate prank.

If this is indeed the case, then I will say only this.

Well done, sirs, well done.

Wise Owls

There are many solutions to insomnia. More exercise. Less Caffeine. Sleeping pills. But few people have gone to the extraordinary lengths as one woman in Australia.

The woman, known only by her Australian gumtree username, Susan, has placed an advertisement on said site for a night watcher, to sit with her in her room and watch over her while she is sleeping, between the hours of 11pm and 6am. The person would be paid a generous £25 an hour, and would even be afforded one muesli bar in order to satiate any hunger that might strike during those late hours.

Oh, and they must be dressed as an owl.

Susan insisted that the job was "no joke".

"I have always found great comfort in the idea of owls are the natural outlooks of our world and so it would really help." She explained.

While adding that she would allow the watcher a cereal bar to refresh themselves, she did specify that they would have to face away from her when eating it, as she would find this "very off-putting" even if already asleep.

There are some dangerously insane people in this world. At least this one is too scared of the rest of them to go on a paranoid, violent rampage with an assault rifle.

Having said that, if I were not limited in my usefulness by geographical restraints, I would be the first to exploit this lunacy. Not for the money. I'm making a house out of muesli bars.

Drunk Wrestling

 

Alcohol seems to be becoming a recurring theme in these posts. And this story, concerning one fateful train journey in Minnesota is no exception. 

But when Levin Blair boarded the light rail carriage, even his most illogical drunken thoughts could not have expected what was to happen next. 

Mr Blair began to spew a series of offensive rants at his fellow passenger, including a man attempting to load his bike onto the bike rack. But Blair, like some kind of whiskey-addled toddler, refused to move out of the man's way, until his goldfish-like attention was drawn elsewhere by another passenger, who quite calmly told him to sit down and be quiet. 

Of course the logical reaction to this is to begin shouting threats at said passenger, including "I am going to kill you" amongst others". 

Now, this is where things got ugly for the bumbling aggressor. Because sitting just feet away, getting increasingly irritable as he watched events unfolding, was Shawn Daivari, a professional wrestler for WWE and TNA, a man who has made a career out of his signature choke-hold.

And he was not happy.

When it appeared that his fellow passengers were in danger, Daivari jumped into action, quickly subduing Blair using a scissor hold, that caused the drunken fool to not only pass out but also to, quite bluntly, piss himself. 

A short while later, a disoriented and confused Blair was thrown from the train to sit dazed on the platform, and was later questioned by police, but it seemed that the passengers were amused enough by the incident not to press charges.

You can find the original article here, along with CCTV footage of the whole incident. And remember, alcoholics everywhere, to beware large angry looking men, even if they aren't in costume.

Drunk Photos

Just a short entry this time, as I felt that this particular story should be shared with as many people as possible.

The Texan man seen below was detained after a local bar called the police concerning his conduct. Sean Payne, 35, subsequently needed to have his head supported by officers in order to have his mugshot taken.

Of course I would never slander the good name of Texas. I am sure that it is just a coincidence that he happens to be an alcoholic, rather thick, and from the deep South. 

Phone Sex

Now, I feel like I should begin this post by establishing that I am not advocating hoax calling the police. The law enforcement of this country has more than enough to deal with given the depressing deterioration of our society into petty crime and pathetic angst driven vandalism.

However, when a prank of this magnitude and sheer time-wasting absurdity comes to my attention, I cannot help but take note.

The police had launched an extensive search to discover the operator of an unregistered pay-as-you-go mobile phone who had made nearly 6,000 calls to the police. Eventually, they discovered the perpetrator to be Gareth Lloyd, 49, who acts as a carer for his 84 year-old mother. And every single one of the calls, made at all times of the day or night and in pretty much every state of inebriation from sober to incomprehensible, were to inform the police that his penis was stuck in household item

The phone calls, which were made between February and April of this year, are said to have called a great deal of distress and anxiety in the ranks of the brave men and women who answer daily calls reporting extreme violence and other such crimes.

Because there is nothing more upsetting than a creepy man talking about his penis.

Mr Lloyd, however, has avoided a jail sentence after pleading guilty and professing his remorse at the problems that his actions have caused. He was given a 12 month community order and told to pay £85 of fines.

A small price to pay for the countless hours of his life that he inevitably wasted with the whole affair. That being said, someone who finds this level of mind-numbing stupidity amusing probably has little of interest happening in his life. It almost makes me feel pity for him.

Almost.

Fatman

Earlier this year, The Dark Knight Rises took in up to $198 million over its opening weekend. The caped crusader has captured the imagination of millions, who have flocked in their droves to see director Christopher Nolan's latest offering. And everyone of them was wishing, at least for a moment, that they too could don Batman's utility belt and fight crime as the faceless vigilante.

And now one man has taken it upon himself to realise the dream of countless children throughout the world. He is the hero that Michigan needs.

33 year-old Mark "Wayne" Williams has been seen frequently in recent times taking to the streets of Michigan in his homemade Batman costume. His struggle against criminal activity has brought hope to people in need of hope in these bleak and troubled times.

Actually no, it's just a slightly overweight man in tights. A man who was arrested earlier this month after he arrived at the scene of a traffic accident, and refused to leave. He was eventually detained by officers after his interference through a police dog off the scent of a missing person.

Among the items confiscated from his person was a baton, a can of pepper spray and a pair of sand-filled gloves.

In a statement on his Facebook page, Mr Williams wrote: "Sometimes I wished I didn't care about people as much or that I lived in a bigger city so I could concentrate on criminal activity."

He went on to add that "trying to help people on a personal level can be rewarding but it can also rip your heart out".

I can only hope that this man is more permanently detained, perhaps in a psychological institute of some description, before he causes any serious damage to the people for whom he cares so much.

Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson is the single greatest thing to happen to politics in the last decade. Probably longer.

Now, so I don't appear guilty of absurd hyperbole, I should explain. Apart from a small, keen minority, the youth of today is hopelessly disillusioned with todays politics. Manipulative, sly politicians and their empty, petty promises have taken their toll on the interest of many. 

But Boris Johnson, with his infinite supply of absurd metaphors and bumbling patriotism is single-handedly hacking away at a plague of disinterest.

Here are some of his more notable moments.

"It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall."

- On Tony Blair

"My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive."

"I don't see why people are so snooty about Channel 5. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap-dancing, and other related and vital subjects."
"Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3."

"I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar."

Keen Gardeners

Now, I have never been to a car boot sale. If I had, however, I very much doubt, that I would have been in the market for a cannabis plant.

Indeed, I very much doubt that the elderly couple from Bedford, Buckinghamshire had that intent either. When they purchased a small shrub from a vendor at one such sale and planted it in their garden, they did not realise that such a plant was exactly what they had purchased.

The shrub went from strength to strength, and was soon the giant plant that you can see on the left. Police were quite astonished when they discovered the plant, and promptly removed it from the couple's garden.

The couple claimed to have no idea what they had purchased, and received no further charge from the police. Now, either the couple did not realise the illegality of what they were doing, and this was all a hilarious coincidence, or there was more to the pensioners than met the eye.

In which case, I really need to revaluate my opinion of the elder generation.

Crap Crook

This next story that I have stumbled upon comes from slightly closer to home than Korea. The scene of the following is the town of Worthing in Sussex, England, a short walk from my old school.

A young man on a bicycle, who has not as yet been apprehended by the authorities, rode past an elderly woman, and snatched from her hand a small bag, which he presumed to contain valuables of some sort.

What he failed to realise is that the woman was walking her dog, and the bag that he had just pried from her hands contained the dog faeces that she had just removed from the pavement.

Quite unaware of what he had just stolen, the poop pilferer escaped the scene of his heinous crime, surely only to discover his mistake as he returned to his hideout to count his loot.

The police noted the lady was unharmed, and that the turd-burglar had "stolen nothing of value".

Bad puns aside, this is the kind of surreal news that can only be found in small, isolated areas such as where I grew up, where randomness seems inherent when you consider the obvious boredom.

And of course, it is a fantastic example of how karma is a bitch.

I love you pillow, you understand me...

People are idiots.

This is something that I believe wholeheartedly, so it seems fitting that my first blog post is concerned with a man who married a pillow.

At first glance this story might appear to be an elaborate practical joke, or even a dimly remembered result of severe intoxication (after all, what happens in Seoul stays in Seoul). However, Lee Jin-gyu, the 28 year old Korean man in question, is far from joking; indeed he is displaying the exact level of irritating stupidity that seems to be plaguing humanity.

Some people would think the very idea of marrying a pillow absurd, but, as Lee Jin-gyu would assert, this pillow has the picture of an anime character emblazoned on it. Which makes everything alright.

The star-crossed lovers were married in a rather one-sided private ceremony, presided over by a local vicar; who apparently saw nothing wrong with allowing this strange man to wed a living room ornament. Not content with the bizarre nature of this event, the pillow was given a wedding dress, as you can see below.

According to interested local parties, the happy newlyweds are often seen together around the local area, in parks of theme parks, even attending restaurants, where the pillow is given its own seat and meal. So, if you ever wonder why there are food shortages across the globe, it's because someone is feeding a pillow in Korea.

This man is a lonely fool, who should probably submit himself for in depth psychological analysis, or at the very least a IQ test. Having said that, at least this marital arrangement ensures that, for the time being, the world is safe from one sad Korean man trying to procreate.