Made in Chelsea

Now, I have tolerated the "Made in Chelsea" phenomenon until recently, simply because it had quite literally no effect on my life.

However, I was fortunate enough to view an episode of the much vaunted "reality" TV show yesterday, and I still have very little idea as to exactly why it is so popular. As far as I can tell, the lives of the wealthy heirs and heiress' on display are, quite simply, just not that interesting. The apparent drama of the show is based on generic, everyday occurrences that would not be out of place in the most reclusive person's life, dressed up in the glamourous facade of wealth and beauty.

In fact, so little of actual interest happens that the producers of the show are forced to fill in the air time with a great deal of establishing shots of expensive cars and immaculately dressed people set to a generic collection of music, and, more importantly, infamously awkward silences. 

Or awkward laughter.

Shoehorning "real" people into loosely constructed scenes has had the obvious effect that they struggle to actually communicate what is asked of them with any level of coherency, a problem not exactly helped by the general level of stupidity on display. Which, I might add, is similar to that of a handicapped toadstool.

As a shining example of these qualities, Spencer Matthews is without equal. The millionaire heir/playboy (in his own words) has a long list of one liners at his disposal, each more inventive and irresistible as the last. My personal favourite (probably because it is the only one I have actually witnessed), came when he stepped from a gleaming Ferrari in St Tropez to dazzle the questioning valet by saying: "Matthews. Spencer Matthews."

I wonder if we ignore him he'll go away.

But, while some of my contemporaries have used the show as an example of the dimwitted incompetency of our nation's more affluent citizens, I have always been quick to point out that all levels of society have their fair share of cretins. Need I mention "The Only Way is Essex", "Cop Squad" or "Jeremy Kyle" as examples.

All of that aside, "Made in Chelsea" is quite appallingly dull, and does not really deserve its time on our televisions. If I was given that hour every week, I might be able to do something useful. Get rid of Joey Essex. Get Lady Gaga some actual clothes. Start a cult.

Who knows.